Why?

When Cerriah was diagnosed with diabetes, I was devastated. She was diagnosed on 9-11-01. Yes, you got that right. The same day as the World Trade Center tragedy. We were in the hospital for the week and all we saw and heard about all week was the tragedy. I felt so bad. I was having a personal crisis along with one of the biggest disasters in our country's history.
A few months later I lost my first born son. I couldn't believe God's timing. Why did that happen? Why only a few months after knowing my daughter had an incurable disease. I was happy at least my daughter was alive. Knowing I would never see my son again was more than I can bear.
In December 2005 tragedy struck again in my home. Lexi was diagnose on 12/11. I remember feeling that God must surely hate me. Why did I have to go through so much pain? Had I not suffered enough?? I asked one of my dearest Christian friends why God hated me so much. I was serious. I felt far from His love. I was a Christian. How could I mutter such words!?! But in my soul I truly felt hated.
My friend was speechless. What do you tell a mother that had just buried her son the previous year and now has to inject her two daughters with insulin multiple times a day? She didn't know what to say. She is a deep rooted Christian, yet she couldn't find any reason as to why my family was chosen to lead such a journey.
I have strayed, strayed far from the One that I know loves me. I am not sure why He has chosen me or my family to live this life. I am not sure if an answer would suffice my soul. Instead, I don't ask anymore. I don't ask why. I don't ask when. I just am.
I have found myself seeking Jesus more. I am scared. Scared of the tragedy that might happen again once I give 100%. I need to do some soul searching. I need to be prepared.
People say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. My question is, WHY does He trust me so much? I am broken and can't carry this burden.