How much is too much?

As 2008 comes to a close, I sit back and think of all the things that have happened, through out the year and through out life. So many are struggling, so many have lost loved ones, so many have financial issues, and so many are just broken.....

Broken? Yes. I am one of those people. Just yesterday I asked David how can people live in such a crazy life? How do we keep our sanity in such an insane world? I battle diabetes each and every day with my girls. Too much insulin, death, too little insulin, death.... Some people say they are amazed at how I handle my situation, and I have come to realize I am not handling it very well lately.

Some nights I can't sleep or I wake up drenched in sweat. I have nightmares. Nightmares that my girls blood sugars will go low during the night and I won't know. God has woken me up many nights, prodding me to check on my girls. Low and behold each time he is right. Their blood sugar is low. I am so thankful for these nighttime awakenings, but what do I do if they stop? What if I sleep through them all? I also have anxiety of their blood sugars being too high. I am never at peace. What if their blood sugar sky rockets during the night? I am so full of all the what if's questions.........

Lexi is so stubborn sometimes, not wanting to "eat" something because she doesn't like it, even though her sugar is low. I feel insane at those times, not knowing what to do. How do I force her to eat something to make her sugar go higher? Why doesn't see understand the consequences of her stubborness? Sometimes I want to sit and cry because the pressure is too much. She is only 7, too young to understand. Too young to know that it could cost her. I have explained to her what could happen. Yet in that moment, they aren't coherent enough to "think" and it makes it so much harder.

I am so grateful for my girls. I am grateful they are here with me. I am grateful I can take care of them. I just wonder how much is too much? Does God really only give you what you can handle? Or is that just a saying that some people say to make you feel better? I want my girls to be healthy........I want to be able to enjoy life with them, without the stress and anxiety.

With that I ask for your prayers. I have fallen away from my church life. I long to go back, but my life has been so hard I don't even know how to face the One who has saved me more than once. I hope 2009 brings miracles, for me and for many more on my list............