Thursday, May 21, 2009

On Edge

I have been really on edge lately. Ready for a mental breakdown at any second. I am done with school, and should be enjoying these few weeks off. I thought it was strange until I looked at the calendar today. I broke down in hysterics, uncontrollable crying.
Seven years ago today I was making cakes for a wedding and my nephew's birthday party. I was also almost nine months pregnant. I was so busy that weekend. I was lifting cakes and baking for 3 days straight. The day after I was done I never felt my little boy kick again. Ever.
I can't stop crying. I can't believe it has been seven years. Why does God have to take our babies away? Why do we have to suffer? He should be in school, in first grade. I should be stroking his brown curly hair, gazing into his brown eyes. Instead I can barely see my computer screen as I type.
Memorial Day is not the same for me now. It was the day that I realized my son was gone. This year Memorial Day is also David's birthday. I will try to make it the best for him. The thought of making cakes though always take me back to my son, since it was the last time I spent with him.
A mother's pain is never gone. I hope I can make it through this weekend in one piece.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


When Cerriah was diagnosed with diabetes, I was devastated. She was diagnosed on 9-11-01. Yes, you got that right. The same day as the World Trade Center tragedy. We were in the hospital for the week and all we saw and heard about all week was the tragedy. I felt so bad. I was having a personal crisis along with one of the biggest disasters in our country's history.
A few months later I lost my first born son. I couldn't believe God's timing. Why did that happen? Why only a few months after knowing my daughter had an incurable disease. I was happy at least my daughter was alive. Knowing I would never see my son again was more than I can bear.
In December 2005 tragedy struck again in my home. Lexi was diagnose on 12/11. I remember feeling that God must surely hate me. Why did I have to go through so much pain? Had I not suffered enough?? I asked one of my dearest Christian friends why God hated me so much. I was serious. I felt far from His love. I was a Christian. How could I mutter such words!?! But in my soul I truly felt hated.
My friend was speechless. What do you tell a mother that had just buried her son the previous year and now has to inject her two daughters with insulin multiple times a day? She didn't know what to say. She is a deep rooted Christian, yet she couldn't find any reason as to why my family was chosen to lead such a journey.
I have strayed, strayed far from the One that I know loves me. I am not sure why He has chosen me or my family to live this life. I am not sure if an answer would suffice my soul. Instead, I don't ask anymore. I don't ask why. I don't ask when. I just am.
I have found myself seeking Jesus more. I am scared. Scared of the tragedy that might happen again once I give 100%. I need to do some soul searching. I need to be prepared.
People say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. My question is, WHY does He trust me so much? I am broken and can't carry this burden.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my!!

Today was Lexi's field trip to the zoo! I, of course, had to go. If I don't go on field trips with her then the school nurse has to go because of the diabetes. It's kind of nice because I don't have to wait to be "chosen" by the lottery system to be a chaperon. I am one, always! I enjoy going on these trips with the kids. They have so much fun.
I did get "stuck" with one little girl who cried the entire time that she missed her mom. This same little girl has been crying all day, every day for her mom. I was kind of frustrated because I had to monitor Lexi all day, with blood sugars and food. It added to the pressure. I made sure to keep the little girl close and to remind her that her mom would be sad that she was crying and not enjoying herself. I told her if she needed anything I would be more than happy to help. I made sure she was OK, but boy was it grueling to deal with one more thing. She finally settled down after I gave her my IPOD to listen to her favorite songs of Hannah Montana. She listened for a little while and was fine.
We were so tired by the time we got to the bus. It was all worth it though. Lexi couldn't wait to sit next to me on the bus. Oh how I know times will change in the near future :( I hope these days last a LONG time!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

I Can Think Clearly Now, the Semester's Done!!

Woohooo! I am officially done with the semester and half way through my Masters!! I can't wait to get my grades next week. I am trying to maintain a 4.0 this time around. I have four glorious weeks off of school in which I plan to spend as much time with my kids as possible. In June I will be going for 4 nights a week, so I have to get my kiddo time in now. Glad these classes are over with :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Words of Eli

I have to love all the little sayings Eli comes up with lately. He ponders things that my girls never took note of. He always brings a smile to my lips when he thinks out loud. Yesterday he was making his own "private club" because the girls have their own with some neighborhood girls. He came to me with a tablet of paper, numbered lines and his name on the first line. He asked me if I would like to join his private club. I was, of course, honored. I proudly wrote my name in slot #2. It won't be long before I am banned from his "private" life so I have to take every chance I get now. He even made a special badge for me to wear. I have it sitting on my desk now :)
It poured rain yesterday while we were driving home yesterday from David's work. He had to bring a gas can in the car because he had to take it to work that morning. It reeked of gas fumes and we tried to keep the windows opened so we wouldn't pass out! We were getting soaked though. Eli commented "Mommy, God must be REALLY sad today! There are a lot of rain drops." You see Eli says God is crying when it rains. I commented back, "Yes buddy, he must be really sad." I could see his face thinking through the rear view mirror. "Mommy, do you think he's sad because Daddy brought in that gas tank and we are going to pass out now?"

Oh my sentiments exactly Eli, what was Daddy thinking?????

Thursday, April 30, 2009

I Always Knew Swine Were Dirty!!

Some schools here are closed tomorrow due to the swine flu. My girls school is still open, but the schools closes are very close to where we are. I think the media is blowing all of this out of proportion, but this is very close to home now.

I don't know whether to send my girls to school tomorrow though. They are at high risk because of the diabetes. I also don't want to be paranoid, but I want to be smart and safe. They normally get a flu shot every season because of this risk. The people who have died from this strain have been people with underlying medical issues. Am I making to much of this?

I always knew swine were dirty!! I hope this passes fast and that is really is just a scare that will die down soon!

Almost done!

So this semester in school is almost done!! Woohoo! Hopefully next spring I will be student teaching and graduating in May. I can't wait to be done. I have three major papers due by next week, and with everything going on in our lives, I haven't had much of a chance to finish anything. It's going to be a long weekend :)

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Are you serious??

I had lunch last week with some school moms. We had a good time until I brought up Cerriah's anxieties over going to junior high. I told the ladies she worries about missing class because of having to go to the nurse. It's not fair that she misses assignments or misses class instruction because she has to go there so often.
One of the mom's asked if she could do it in class. The other mom nearly flipped!! She said she would pull her daughter out of school if Cerriah was able to do that in class. She said Cerriah would have "blood" on her and she could "infect" her daughter. Are you serious??? Hello, diabetes is not CONTAGIOUS!! I know there are many other factors that involve blood, but that truly hurt me. Her daugher has autism and has an aide with her 24 hours a day. To me, needing a glucometer is just like having an aide with you. It's necessary!! I calmly told her the blood is about the size of a pin needle and she uses alcohol. She smirked and made a disgusted face. I tried not to cry.
I felt so bad, because this is an adult that should be more understanding. What are kids going to think of her?? I would love to push for her to be able to test in class so she doesn't have to make the trip down to the nurses office. She treats herself at home and knows more about the pump and carbohydrates than most adults do. Ignorant people like this mom make me upset.

Junior High

So my oldest is going to junior high next year!! Ugh, where has time gone? I have so many worries and reservations for her going to junior high. I wish I could make time stop and she could still by my baby.
She's off to her step up day there today. The school took all the fifth graders today so they can see what "life as a six grader looks like". We didn't even find out until yesterday!! We were very disappointed because it meant we had to rush to get her ready for blood sugar checks, snacks, ect while she was gone. I hate unorganization!!! I try to keep people informed so they can plan around events. The school did not do that for us, or for any of the parents. I am unsure of how many parents even know that their kids are on a bus today and at a different school. So unreliable.
Cerriah has a lot of worries about junior high. She worries about kids making fun of her and her diabetes. She worries about having to miss class to go get her BS checks. She worries about making it down to the nurses office in time. So many things that diabetes inhibits her from doing. She misses class often because of nurse visits. It's so unfair.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009


It's been awhile since I have updated my blog. I've been terribly busy. Lexi was going through some terrible blood sugar lows, like Cerriah was a few weeks back. I couldn't get her out of the 60's ALL DAY. I had to pick her up from school twice because the nurse couldn't get her up as well :( All of that AFTER we had made major changes to her pump. She is thankfully doing well now.

Then the terrible stomach flu hit Eli! We ended up in the ER yesterday because he was dehydrated. When we got there he was pretty miserable. The doctor gave him an anti-nausea medication and he was pretty chipper in about 10 minutes. He exclaimed, "Mom, I'm a zero!!". I sat there totally confused, tired and bewildered! "What???", I asked. He happily pointed to the pain chart in the room. The "zero" was a happy smiley face, no pain!! I smiled and laughed. Leave it to my boy to say something funny.

I have lost 6 pounds in the last week. I know I needed it, but boy can stress play havoc on your body!!! Now, I'll indulge in something totally fattening and gain 8 pounds............

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Girls on a Mission

Check out what the girls are doing these days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feel free to go to their page and add their button to your page. We would greatly appreciate it!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Up and Down

It's been a few weeks of up and downs!! I ended up in the ER with Eli on Sunday night. I had to drive through the snow storm to get him there. He had a fever and was having hallucinations. Apparently he has an ear infection and the fever can cause them to hallucinate. He still has the fever, I am hoping it passes soon.

Cerriah continues with her daily morning lows. I continue to adjust her basal rates in her pump. We went to her endo yesterday and he made some changes. She still woke up low. She is continously high in the evenings though.

God please give us peace and endurance to get through these hurdles.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

On the Mend

So Cerriah finally woke up today with no prodding. She was at 62, which is still considered low, but at least she can somewhat function at that number. I wish she could feel her lows in the middle of the night. Her body doesn't seem to feel them until she is in the 20's. Hopefully this is a trend of improvement that will continue.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Insanity: Take 4,568

Have you ever been on Space Mountain in Disney World? The roller coaster that they have in the dark. The anticipation is too much, you never know when you are going to turn or hit bottom. I feel like I am on a never ending ride there and I long to get off. I feel as if I am in the dark and I don't know when my girls will hit the bottom, when they'll get a low or HOW low it will go.
Insanity again today. Cerriah woke up at 38. The operative word is "woke" up. At least her eyes weren't rolling in the back of her head, but she was still difficult to rise. She was so scared to fall asleep again after yesterday morning. But I promised her she would be OK.
Am I INSANE? How can I promise her something I am scared of myself. To boot, she woke up low again. I didn't fullfill my promise.........even after checking her every hour.
I didn't sleep thinking of all that could happen. If she were home alone, things would be so much worse. What if one day our worst nightmares come true? What if she DOESN'T wake up? How much can her body handle? I know the longer you are in a "low" the more brain damage that can occur. I pray that her little body handles this stress.
She is so brave. I marvel at how she looks at life. Most people in her state would be bitter. Bitter that they can't live a "free" life. Instead she embraces life to the fullest. She has literally, "let go and let God". She amazes me with her grace, as she is poked and prodded by medical personnel, but never sheds a tear or complains. I see the wonder if the medical personnel as they wait for her to shout, to cry, yet it never comes. They ponder how such a "mature soul" is in that little body. I am proud, proud that I can see such a mature young lady. I feel sad, sad that she can't be "naive".
So here we go again, take 4,568. Honestly I lost count, but I feel as if I am in a bad movie riding that darn roller coaster and I can't get off. Needless to say Cerriah feels much, much worse.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Cheating Death............

How many times can you cheat death?????????? Seriously, this has to be some kind of joke. But this awful joke is my reality...... WHY!!! Why me? Why my children????

Cerriah has been dealing with awful sugar lows lately. Three times in the past week to be exact. Her latest, worst battle, was just this morning. We have had the ambulance at our home twice in the past week. I couldn't wake her this morning.

I have nightmares. Nightmares that I can't wake up from. I was so scared when she was unresponsive this morning. Thank God David was here with me today. After 5 minutes of trying to wake her, she finally opened her eyes. I wasn't (and was) thankful. Why? Because her eyes had a blank stare and were rolling in the back of her head. I don't know which was worse, not waking up or the blank stare. Saliva dribbling down her chin, not being able to speak, completely limp in her daddy's arms. A sight I can not get out of my mind.......

She's fine now. She's awake and running around. But I ask, how many times??? I am tired of these jokes. She is such a fighter, so resilient, but will she ever grow tired of fighting for her life? I don't even want to ponder those thoughts right now. I can't. I won't.

I am broken, broken beyond repair.

Monday, March 23, 2009


With Eli turning 5, he has come up some funny antics lately. Here are a few he has come up with:

Yesterday he woke up and was really tired. He told me "Mommy, my head doesn't want me to get out of bed".
My head was telling me the same thing!!

"Mommy, why is God in heaven?"
I didn't have time to respond. He came up with his own answer.
"Oh, I know why. He's there so people don't escape from Heaven to come down here."
Somehow he will see the irony in that some day. Heaven is one place I wouldn't want to leave :)

Quarter Year Resolution????

I hate to admit. I am SO bad at documenting things in life. I promise myself I won't forget things, and I always somehow manage. So I am making a "quarter year resolution" to myself. I am going to try to document at least some things dainly about my kiddos. This is mainly for myself, so not feel obligated to follow ;)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Little Boy

So my baby turned five on March 16th! Yes, my kids birthday's one day apart! It wasn't planned, he just decided to come a few weeks early.

Here are some things about you baby!

My last child, my second son.
Cute and quirky.
Momma's boy.
Loving and caring.
LOVES Cars!!
Gives me daily hugs.
Has come up with some silly antics lately.
Dreading Kindergarten this year (both of us!!)
Know how to write his own name.
Tells silly jokes that don't really make sense ;)
Around girls SO much.
Loves his cousins.

I love you baby!!!



Sweet Girl

My sweet girl turned 8 on March 15th. I am a late posting about her, but want to keep this in her record.

Here are some things about you!!

Sweet and funny.
Always making people laugh.
Stubborn as a mule, doesn't like to change her mind :)
Fun loving and free spirited.
Caring and cute.
Loves to help others.
Cries when she can't sleep with our dog, Tinkerbell.
Lover of all animals.
Kind hearted and compassionate.
Smart and accelerated in reading.
Loves dancing and can't wait to more.
Breaking out of her shyness shell!
Makes up funny dance moves.
Incredibly talented.
Beautiful smile.

I could go on forever!!!

You are "wonderfully" made by our awesome Creator!!!


Friday, February 27, 2009

Gifts for Kids

So Cerriah and Lexi want to start their own "organization" of sorts! They want to start collecting books, bears and toys for kids in nearby hospitals. Since they know first hand how boring hospital stays can be, they want to help other kids that may have to stay. I am hopefully going to start a new blog for them to see if people are interested in donating items. I hope this works out because they are so excited about it!!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

"THE" talk

I knew THE talk was coming soon. After all Dancer C is almost 11 years old. I dreaded this day from the day that she was born. Silly I know. I dreaded it so bad because I had no one to lead an example by. You see, I never got the talk about puberty from my mom. I was blind sided when it happened. I thought I wasn't normal. It came before I got the information from school too. I was so imbarassed that I hid it from my Mom for a year. When she did find out, she called every relative letting them know I had become a "woman".
So today I sat down with Dancer C. Well sat down is really on operative word. I paced. I handed her an awesome book by American Girl

I had gotten it by recomendations of friends. I told her to read the book and ask me any questions she may have. I ran. I know, bad bad mom! But she followed suit quickly. She had questions already!! She must have been brewing with all sorts of thoughts. I wanted to run, I wanted to hide. Deep down I knew I couldn't do that to her. I had so many questions as a child and I was never able to ask my mom them. I didn't want to leave her in the dark.

I answered her many questions, with tears brimming my eyes. I can't believe that my baby is growing up. I want time to stand still. I want her in her diapers and paci in her mouth. I don't want to be talking about these things. But yet, I am. I am and I am glad I am. I am glad I finally got the courage to do it and not hide like my mom did.

She is still here as I type, reading away intently. Trying to absorb all information. She won't leave my side "in case I have more questions". The hunger in her voice to know more saddens me. Maybe I waited too long. Maybe I held onto my nervousness too long. I am speechless.

Step one accomplished. Now what do I do about the "OTHER" talk!!! I may just have a nervous breakdown!!!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

I Ain't Lion, I Love You!

Lexi had to make a Valentine's Day box for school and she has been begging me to make it with her everyday! Finally yesterday I gave in and we had a nice afternoon making her box. It was so much fun!

She took it with her this morning to "display" in her classroom. She was grinning from ear to ear as she carried it into school. It made me smile just knowing how proud she is of it.

Shoe Box $0
Supplies to Make Lion $5
Smile on Lexi's Face PRICELESS!!

I love moments like these :)

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Battery operated!!

Elijah came to me yesterday and announced he had just swallowed a magnet. Of course I was panicked and when he showed me the remaining of the "magnets", I was even more panicked! It wasn't a magnet at all, it was a battery! He said he was cleaning them since they wouldn't stick together (of course) and it got slippery and he swallowed it. I took him straight to the ER.

At the ER they took an xray and called poison control. We were told that if it wasn't in his esophagus, they would just let it "pass". It was in his stomach, so we headed home.

Once we get home I get a call from the hospital telling us that the GI surgeon said he needed it removed by surgery and told us we had to go to a different hospital because they didn't do peds there. So we headed to the other ER to get more xray's and many, many opinions...... all different I might add!!

The one who would actually do the surgery was of course the last say. He said to wait 24 hours to see if it would pass into his colon before considering surgery. Surgery had a bigger risk than just letting nature take it's course. If it was still in his stomach they would do surgery right away.

We went back in today and thank God it was in his colon! Now I have the lovely task of checking stool for the next 24 hours. If it still hasn't passed then he will have a more invasive surgery on his bowels. Please pray that it passes quickly!!!

On a side note he has been saying some funny things. When he was shown the xray of his belly he announced
"I thought it was in my legs because they are feeling really energized."
"Mommy I can run faster now, so I bet it made it's way to my legs."
"Mommy, is it still in my gis-test-ins?"

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

The mind of a four year old!

Laughter LivesThis post is part of "Laughter Lives! Tuesday" on the Riggs Family Blog. Check our their blog to read everyone else's "Laughter Lives!" posts.

My four year sold and I were in Target one day and he kept on "Holding" himself in that certain area (you know what I mean). I am alarmed as I don't want him to get into this habit! He's only four, haha. So I ask him politely, " Do you have to go to the washroom?"
He replies, "No Mommy."
He continues to "hold" himself and I ask again "Do you have to go to the washroom?"
"No Mommy."
It continues and I am getting rather impatient! I ask once more, with a more serious tone, " Do you have to go to the washroom??"
Well he was getting impatient with me too! I had asked him a few times and he had answered me, so he says in a higher tone.
"No Mommy! My penis just ITCHES!"
We got a lot of curious looks and laughter from other mom's nearby. Thank God they all understood the mind of a four year old!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Please look here and pray!

I have been following this blog for a couple of weeks now. She is so heart warming and funny. Please follow the link and pray for her new baby girl

Friday, January 16, 2009

I am a Mom

I am a Mom because even though school was canceled today, I was up at the crack of dawn feeding my kids.

I am a Mom because I picked up empty juice boxes up from underneath my bed........ and I don't drink juice.

I am a Mom because I had all three of them in the bathroom with me as I took a bath. They were arguing over a ONE snack!

I am a Mom because I just put the same shirt I JUST cleaned in the washing machine AGAIN! I swear I told them to put it away, and that was not intended for them to put it BACK in the laundry.

I am a Mom because my son did NOT just write on my sofa with PERMANENT marker!!!!

I am a Mom because I just spent an hour scrubbing it to see if it would come off. It did lighten it, miraculously!

I am a Mom because I just fed the kids lunch, after just feeding them breakfast and cleaning up those remains!

I am a Mom because I can hear them loud and clear, even though they are downstairs and I am upstairs on the opposite side of the house.

And the days not even over with!


Josiah Part 2

It was a hot May day. Hotter than normal. I'll never forget what I was wearing. I had just bought some orange shorts and a white t-shirt, since it had gotten so hot. I threw those clothes on and headed to the doctor's with my husband and kids in tow. I didn't cause a stir, not even with my husband. I told him I had to go in because I hadn't felt the baby kick in a while. He, being not as 'informed' , didn't think anything of it, I suppose.
We walked into the doctor's office and they led me back to the observation room right away. Kind D stayed in the waiting room with Princess A and Dancer C. I don't think he knew how serious those moments were. I think he thought it was just "routine" and it hadn't struck him our child might be gone.
I was strapped to the non-stress test machine and the nurse kept on moving it to try to pick up the baby's heart beat. She couldn't find it. She tried and tried and nothing. She then announces to me that she often has trouble with finding hearbeats and heads out to find another nurse. Second nurse comes in and tries and tries again, and nothing. I was then lead to the ultrasound room downstairs.
On the way out, we had to go through the waiting room, so I announce to my Kind D that they can't find the heartbeat and I needed an ultrasound. I'll never forget his face. The look of doom and fear looked right back at me...... I didn't know what else to say, didn't know what to do. I didn't cry. I was stunned. I was shocked. I was in denial.
They proceed to make me drink gallons of water. The nurse and King D sat with me as we waited. I had these uncontrollable shakes that overwhelmed me. I don't know if it was me being scared, anxiety kicking in, or my body just knowing my son had passed. I couldn't control how badly my body was shaking.
I went to the US room alone with the tech and nurse. The tech then told me I didn't need the gallons of water they had made me drink. They thought I was only a few weeks along. She didn't expect a 33 week baby in my belly. I laid down as the warm gel engulfed my belly. I glanced at the screen for a split second, not wanting to see what I already knew. Silence filled the room as the tech moved her wand around. I saw my baby boy laying there, limp, not moving and nothing flashing on the screen. I still didn't cry, since I hadn't heard the "announcement" yet. I was terrified, scared, and really hurt. I was let go to use the washroom and I remember the nurse and tech whispering in the next room, whispering about my baby being gone. I really don't know how I didn't just lose it. I still remained calm and walked out. I look back and know it had to be my Jesus just filling my spirit with calmness until I could be with my family.
We went back to the doctor's office and were led to a room where we sat and tried to wait for the doctor. She wasn't in yet because she was deliverying someones live baby. Knowing the anticipation was waering down and me, the nurses came in and asked me, "Do you want me to tell you or do you want to wait for the doctor?"
I immeadiately burst into tears and whispered, "I already know, I already know."
Dancer C jumped out of her daddy's arms right then and became quite hysterical since she had never seen me cry like I was. I tried to keep it together for her. I didn't want her to know the devastation that had just hit out family. The nurses tried calming her down but she just ran to me and hugged me. How did God know that I needed that hug in that very moment? She wouldn't settle down until she squeezed the life out of me. God knows just what to do in the most difficult times.
My dear King D was so in shock. His face is instilled in my memories. He called my mom and asked her to pick up the kids at the doctor's office. I'll never forget his mutterings on the phone "The baby died." I imagine my mom thought it was Princess A or someone else's baby because he then said "No, the baby in her belly."

As you can see I have NEVER forgotten ANY details of this horrific day. It feels good to write them down and cry. Letting all the emotions on this page has been very theraputic for me. I will write more excerpts later, when I can calm down :(

Thursday, January 15, 2009


I like this one!

One Flaw In Women...

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."
"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough.

You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!

Women have strengths that amaze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

PLEASE remind the women in your life just how amazing they are


This is really for myself, since I have never written these words down. I always play the memories in my head, and they have never faded. Yet, I am always afraid they will. So maybe my mind will be at ease if I can write these down so I can remember these moments for years to come. Don't feel like you have to read.

Almost seven years ago I was pregnant with our third child, our first son. I had waited to tell our families about the news, since Lexi was still an infant herself! We told everyone at Lexi's dedication, when everyone came over to our house. I'll never forget the day that I wore my red turtleneck and showed off my 20 week pregnant belly.

The pregancy was strange. I don't know why or how. I just always had this dreaded feeling something awful was going to happen. I dismissed these ideas as anxiety, since our oldest had just been diagnosed with diabetes a few months earlier. There were times where I would just feel oddly dizzy and I would have to lay down wherever I was until it passed, whether it was on the floor in the room or in the bathroom. I never discussed it with my OB, since I had thought it was anxiety.

David had gotten laid off of his job and he was the only one working. Needless to say things were tough. In order to make a little extra money, since we know you are rich on unemployment (haha), I was making cakes. Cakes were my passion. I loved doing it. However doing it with an eight month prego belly was more than a challenge! It was May 25th, my husband's b-day, and I had a huge wedding cake due. I remember sitting on a stool at the kitchen table decorating the cake. We delivered it successfully and even helped at the wedding. The bride loved it.

The following Monday was Memorial day and my nephew's b-day party. I had made him a Winnie the Pooh b-day cake that day. It was at a park and the day was extremely hot. My cousin had just had her baby boy and I held him in my arms. I whispered to him "Tell the baby in my belly to hurry up, I want to meet him." They were odd words, but for some reason I spoke them. Little did I know my words would become true. I held him and waited for my baby to kick me, nothing happened. I held my breath and waited for a kick..... nothing. My sister was making hamburgers (what I craved for during that pregnancy) but oddly enough I wasn't hungry. It was in that moment that I had realized all my pregnancy symptoms were gone. I wasn't hungry, I didn't feel him kick, I didn't even have to pee that day! I dismissed it as being too tired since I had all that cake business going on.

The next day as soon as the OB's office opened I called. I spoke to the nurse and told her "I haven't felt my baby kick in quite sometime, I need to come in"

Reply "I'll put your name on the list and have someone call you back"


Ten seconds later a REAL nurse calls me. "We need you to come in right away."

Part 2 will come later, gotta run to a meeting!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Little Miracles

Today I am sitting her at my computer reading some of the stories about infant losses. Everytime I read them I start crying, knowing exactly how that mother felt as their baby was ripped from their womb. I was overcome and started asking God why do people have to go through this? Why do the moms that want a child the most, can't have them?

It then comes to my memory of how my children got here. One month before I got pregnant with Cerriah, my doctor had told me I possibly could never get pregnant on my own. To my surprise, I did. God had provided me a miracle.

When I was pregnant with Lexi, they told me at her ultrasound that she was missing a chamber in her heart. When she was born they did an eco and her heart was normal!! God had given me another miracle!

My little Elijah! I was in the hospital for a week before I had him and they finally had said they would induce because his heart rate would disappear from the monitors several times a day. He was 4 weeks early. Thank God they did induce because I had a placenta abruption that same day. If I had not been in the hospital he would have died. His umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck as well, and as he came out he was spinning. He had unwrapped the umbilical cord himself! The doctor was amazed. I knew it was God's miracle again.

Just a few seconds ago I get an email from my little Lexi, telling me she loves me and misses me in school. How blessed I am to have my kids. I sometimes dwell on the bad things, like them having diabetes and my son passing, but I was just reminded by God how sometimes miracles do happen.

Don't lose hope. I know the journey seems long and slow, but I completely believe in miracles. I am a product of them.

I am praying for some people right now, for a miracle to happen in their life. There is one in particular that I hold my breath for. I know she would make the best mommy ever, and I want to see that happen. MAY MIRACLES FALL ON YOUR DOORSTEP IN 2009!

Monday, January 5, 2009


I found this link and it is so neat to "pretend" I didn't do these things. So in the words of my kids..... NOT ME!!

I got on the scale and I did NOT gain 4 pounds!!!

I did not let out a huge gasp, emptied out my bladder, took off my clothes to verify my weight gain........... it was NOT ME!

I did not let my son go to bed in his clothes last night because I was so tired I didn't want to fuss about jammies ;)

I did not put a t-shirt and dyed my dogs hair on her head pink to make my girls smile.......... nope....... (by the way it was totally safe for the dog)

I did not just send in the teachers Christmas gifts today with my kids because we had a "snow day" on their last day before vacation.

I did not take the kids to Chuck E Cheese yesterday because I felt guilty about not taking them anywhere over Christmas break. I also did not make them wash their hands 10,000 times while we were there ;)

I can't believe all the things I didn't do!!!!!!!!