Josiah Part 2

It was a hot May day. Hotter than normal. I'll never forget what I was wearing. I had just bought some orange shorts and a white t-shirt, since it had gotten so hot. I threw those clothes on and headed to the doctor's with my husband and kids in tow. I didn't cause a stir, not even with my husband. I told him I had to go in because I hadn't felt the baby kick in a while. He, being not as 'informed' , didn't think anything of it, I suppose.
We walked into the doctor's office and they led me back to the observation room right away. Kind D stayed in the waiting room with Princess A and Dancer C. I don't think he knew how serious those moments were. I think he thought it was just "routine" and it hadn't struck him our child might be gone.
I was strapped to the non-stress test machine and the nurse kept on moving it to try to pick up the baby's heart beat. She couldn't find it. She tried and tried and nothing. She then announces to me that she often has trouble with finding hearbeats and heads out to find another nurse. Second nurse comes in and tries and tries again, and nothing. I was then lead to the ultrasound room downstairs.
On the way out, we had to go through the waiting room, so I announce to my Kind D that they can't find the heartbeat and I needed an ultrasound. I'll never forget his face. The look of doom and fear looked right back at me...... I didn't know what else to say, didn't know what to do. I didn't cry. I was stunned. I was shocked. I was in denial.
They proceed to make me drink gallons of water. The nurse and King D sat with me as we waited. I had these uncontrollable shakes that overwhelmed me. I don't know if it was me being scared, anxiety kicking in, or my body just knowing my son had passed. I couldn't control how badly my body was shaking.
I went to the US room alone with the tech and nurse. The tech then told me I didn't need the gallons of water they had made me drink. They thought I was only a few weeks along. She didn't expect a 33 week baby in my belly. I laid down as the warm gel engulfed my belly. I glanced at the screen for a split second, not wanting to see what I already knew. Silence filled the room as the tech moved her wand around. I saw my baby boy laying there, limp, not moving and nothing flashing on the screen. I still didn't cry, since I hadn't heard the "announcement" yet. I was terrified, scared, and really hurt. I was let go to use the washroom and I remember the nurse and tech whispering in the next room, whispering about my baby being gone. I really don't know how I didn't just lose it. I still remained calm and walked out. I look back and know it had to be my Jesus just filling my spirit with calmness until I could be with my family.
We went back to the doctor's office and were led to a room where we sat and tried to wait for the doctor. She wasn't in yet because she was deliverying someones live baby. Knowing the anticipation was waering down and me, the nurses came in and asked me, "Do you want me to tell you or do you want to wait for the doctor?"
I immeadiately burst into tears and whispered, "I already know, I already know."
Dancer C jumped out of her daddy's arms right then and became quite hysterical since she had never seen me cry like I was. I tried to keep it together for her. I didn't want her to know the devastation that had just hit out family. The nurses tried calming her down but she just ran to me and hugged me. How did God know that I needed that hug in that very moment? She wouldn't settle down until she squeezed the life out of me. God knows just what to do in the most difficult times.
My dear King D was so in shock. His face is instilled in my memories. He called my mom and asked her to pick up the kids at the doctor's office. I'll never forget his mutterings on the phone "The baby died." I imagine my mom thought it was Princess A or someone else's baby because he then said "No, the baby in her belly."


As you can see I have NEVER forgotten ANY details of this horrific day. It feels good to write them down and cry. Letting all the emotions on this page has been very theraputic for me. I will write more excerpts later, when I can calm down :(