Have you ever been on Space Mountain in Disney World? The roller coaster that they have in the dark. The anticipation is too much, you never know when you are going to turn or hit bottom. I feel like I am on a never ending ride there and I long to get off. I feel as if I am in the dark and I don't know when my girls will hit the bottom, when they'll get a low or HOW low it will go.
Insanity again today. Cerriah woke up at 38. The operative word is "woke" up. At least her eyes weren't rolling in the back of her head, but she was still difficult to rise. She was so scared to fall asleep again after yesterday morning. But I promised her she would be OK.
Am I INSANE? How can I promise her something I am scared of myself. To boot, she woke up low again. I didn't fullfill my promise.........even after checking her every hour.
I didn't sleep thinking of all that could happen. If she were home alone, things would be so much worse. What if one day our worst nightmares come true? What if she DOESN'T wake up? How much can her body handle? I know the longer you are in a "low" the more brain damage that can occur. I pray that her little body handles this stress.
She is so brave. I marvel at how she looks at life. Most people in her state would be bitter. Bitter that they can't live a "free" life. Instead she embraces life to the fullest. She has literally, "let go and let God". She amazes me with her grace, as she is poked and prodded by medical personnel, but never sheds a tear or complains. I see the wonder if the medical personnel as they wait for her to shout, to cry, yet it never comes. They ponder how such a "mature soul" is in that little body. I am proud, proud that I can see such a mature young lady. I feel sad, sad that she can't be "naive".
So here we go again, take 4,568. Honestly I lost count, but I feel as if I am in a bad movie riding that darn roller coaster and I can't get off. Needless to say Cerriah feels much, much worse.
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1 comment:
That is terrible. How come this happens with the pump? You told her everything would be alright because you are a great mommy and even when you aren't sure of things yourself, you know how to protect your kids and give them what they need. I wish there was an explanation for why this is happening or something you can do to just stop it. I can't imagine how exhausted you must be with worry and lack of sleep. You girls all deserve another fun day to forget about diabetes and the stress of life. Hugs.
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