Thursday, May 21, 2009

On Edge

I have been really on edge lately. Ready for a mental breakdown at any second. I am done with school, and should be enjoying these few weeks off. I thought it was strange until I looked at the calendar today. I broke down in hysterics, uncontrollable crying.
Seven years ago today I was making cakes for a wedding and my nephew's birthday party. I was also almost nine months pregnant. I was so busy that weekend. I was lifting cakes and baking for 3 days straight. The day after I was done I never felt my little boy kick again. Ever.
I can't stop crying. I can't believe it has been seven years. Why does God have to take our babies away? Why do we have to suffer? He should be in school, in first grade. I should be stroking his brown curly hair, gazing into his brown eyes. Instead I can barely see my computer screen as I type.
Memorial Day is not the same for me now. It was the day that I realized my son was gone. This year Memorial Day is also David's birthday. I will try to make it the best for him. The thought of making cakes though always take me back to my son, since it was the last time I spent with him.
A mother's pain is never gone. I hope I can make it through this weekend in one piece.

Thursday, May 14, 2009


When Cerriah was diagnosed with diabetes, I was devastated. She was diagnosed on 9-11-01. Yes, you got that right. The same day as the World Trade Center tragedy. We were in the hospital for the week and all we saw and heard about all week was the tragedy. I felt so bad. I was having a personal crisis along with one of the biggest disasters in our country's history.
A few months later I lost my first born son. I couldn't believe God's timing. Why did that happen? Why only a few months after knowing my daughter had an incurable disease. I was happy at least my daughter was alive. Knowing I would never see my son again was more than I can bear.
In December 2005 tragedy struck again in my home. Lexi was diagnose on 12/11. I remember feeling that God must surely hate me. Why did I have to go through so much pain? Had I not suffered enough?? I asked one of my dearest Christian friends why God hated me so much. I was serious. I felt far from His love. I was a Christian. How could I mutter such words!?! But in my soul I truly felt hated.
My friend was speechless. What do you tell a mother that had just buried her son the previous year and now has to inject her two daughters with insulin multiple times a day? She didn't know what to say. She is a deep rooted Christian, yet she couldn't find any reason as to why my family was chosen to lead such a journey.
I have strayed, strayed far from the One that I know loves me. I am not sure why He has chosen me or my family to live this life. I am not sure if an answer would suffice my soul. Instead, I don't ask anymore. I don't ask why. I don't ask when. I just am.
I have found myself seeking Jesus more. I am scared. Scared of the tragedy that might happen again once I give 100%. I need to do some soul searching. I need to be prepared.
People say that God doesn't give you more than you can handle. My question is, WHY does He trust me so much? I am broken and can't carry this burden.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh my!!

Today was Lexi's field trip to the zoo! I, of course, had to go. If I don't go on field trips with her then the school nurse has to go because of the diabetes. It's kind of nice because I don't have to wait to be "chosen" by the lottery system to be a chaperon. I am one, always! I enjoy going on these trips with the kids. They have so much fun.
I did get "stuck" with one little girl who cried the entire time that she missed her mom. This same little girl has been crying all day, every day for her mom. I was kind of frustrated because I had to monitor Lexi all day, with blood sugars and food. It added to the pressure. I made sure to keep the little girl close and to remind her that her mom would be sad that she was crying and not enjoying herself. I told her if she needed anything I would be more than happy to help. I made sure she was OK, but boy was it grueling to deal with one more thing. She finally settled down after I gave her my IPOD to listen to her favorite songs of Hannah Montana. She listened for a little while and was fine.
We were so tired by the time we got to the bus. It was all worth it though. Lexi couldn't wait to sit next to me on the bus. Oh how I know times will change in the near future :( I hope these days last a LONG time!!

Friday, May 8, 2009

I Can Think Clearly Now, the Semester's Done!!

Woohooo! I am officially done with the semester and half way through my Masters!! I can't wait to get my grades next week. I am trying to maintain a 4.0 this time around. I have four glorious weeks off of school in which I plan to spend as much time with my kids as possible. In June I will be going for 4 nights a week, so I have to get my kiddo time in now. Glad these classes are over with :)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

The Words of Eli

I have to love all the little sayings Eli comes up with lately. He ponders things that my girls never took note of. He always brings a smile to my lips when he thinks out loud. Yesterday he was making his own "private club" because the girls have their own with some neighborhood girls. He came to me with a tablet of paper, numbered lines and his name on the first line. He asked me if I would like to join his private club. I was, of course, honored. I proudly wrote my name in slot #2. It won't be long before I am banned from his "private" life so I have to take every chance I get now. He even made a special badge for me to wear. I have it sitting on my desk now :)
It poured rain yesterday while we were driving home yesterday from David's work. He had to bring a gas can in the car because he had to take it to work that morning. It reeked of gas fumes and we tried to keep the windows opened so we wouldn't pass out! We were getting soaked though. Eli commented "Mommy, God must be REALLY sad today! There are a lot of rain drops." You see Eli says God is crying when it rains. I commented back, "Yes buddy, he must be really sad." I could see his face thinking through the rear view mirror. "Mommy, do you think he's sad because Daddy brought in that gas tank and we are going to pass out now?"

Oh my sentiments exactly Eli, what was Daddy thinking?????