How much is too much?

As 2008 comes to a close, I sit back and think of all the things that have happened, through out the year and through out life. So many are struggling, so many have lost loved ones, so many have financial issues, and so many are just broken.....

Broken? Yes. I am one of those people. Just yesterday I asked David how can people live in such a crazy life? How do we keep our sanity in such an insane world? I battle diabetes each and every day with my girls. Too much insulin, death, too little insulin, death.... Some people say they are amazed at how I handle my situation, and I have come to realize I am not handling it very well lately.

Some nights I can't sleep or I wake up drenched in sweat. I have nightmares. Nightmares that my girls blood sugars will go low during the night and I won't know. God has woken me up many nights, prodding me to check on my girls. Low and behold each time he is right. Their blood sugar is low. I am so thankful for these nighttime awakenings, but what do I do if they stop? What if I sleep through them all? I also have anxiety of their blood sugars being too high. I am never at peace. What if their blood sugar sky rockets during the night? I am so full of all the what if's questions.........

Lexi is so stubborn sometimes, not wanting to "eat" something because she doesn't like it, even though her sugar is low. I feel insane at those times, not knowing what to do. How do I force her to eat something to make her sugar go higher? Why doesn't see understand the consequences of her stubborness? Sometimes I want to sit and cry because the pressure is too much. She is only 7, too young to understand. Too young to know that it could cost her. I have explained to her what could happen. Yet in that moment, they aren't coherent enough to "think" and it makes it so much harder.

I am so grateful for my girls. I am grateful they are here with me. I am grateful I can take care of them. I just wonder how much is too much? Does God really only give you what you can handle? Or is that just a saying that some people say to make you feel better? I want my girls to be healthy........I want to be able to enjoy life with them, without the stress and anxiety.

With that I ask for your prayers. I have fallen away from my church life. I long to go back, but my life has been so hard I don't even know how to face the One who has saved me more than once. I hope 2009 brings miracles, for me and for many more on my list............

Weird

I know it's weird that my screen name is momof4, especially since I read most of the stillbirth stories. I feel guilty at times and hesitate to write comments because of my screen name. However, it is my definition, what I am most proud of. I am proud to be a mom of four beautiful children. Three of who are with me, and one who has been in heaven for six years now.

I'm it!

Imagine my surprise when I wake up this morning and I find out I am "it". Haha! I have been tagged to reveal seven weird things about me. Here it goes.

1. I have germaphobia, with everything! I have to actually stop myself from becoming OCD, lol. I religiously use hand sanitizer and I make sure my kids do too. Since my girls have been in the hospital so many times because of minor things like the flu, strep, stomach flu, I feel the need to try to keep them healthy. I know sometimes I go overboard. I too do not like sharing food or drinks, with ANYONE! If someone we know is sick, we stay away (I don't want to be in the hospital with my girls if I can prevent it)

2. I don't let my kids play in those tunnels at Chuck E Cheese or ball pits. Call me a freak, but I can't help but think of all the little ones that have "accidents" in there. Plus you know they are never cleaned! Sometimes I feel bad that they can't be "normal" kids and go in there ;)

3. I have never been drunk, have never touched a cigarette, or done any types of drugs. I don't like the feeling of not being in control!

4. I have an obsession with gum. I can go through a whole pack in one day. Once the flavor is gone, I toss it out and grab another piece. I LOVE bubble gum :)

5. I love baking cakes and making them unique! I don't like plain sheet cakes, I like making 3D creatures. I have done Spiderman's head, an octopus, and a guitar, to name a few. I find it to be a good outlet. It makes a HUGE mess in my house, but I love doing them!

6. I am EXTREMELY afraid of spiders. I won't even kill them. I see one and run the other way, even if it is the smallest thing. The only time I killed one was because it was on Lexi's diaper and of course my reaction was to get it off of her. Other than that, I call my hubby to come and save the day.

7. I love watching dance. I can sit for hours and watch every detail of every dance. I love watching all the different choreography that comes out of one song. It's amazing to me that people can have such talent. I will go to competitions and watch all the dances, even if my daughters aren't participating. Some people think I am weird for sitting through EVERY dance, but I like watching it!

There are my 7 things about me that aren't "normal". I am sure I could go on too, but then again do you REALLY want to know all my little quirks????

Pouring rain

Why is it that when it rains it pours? Nothing ever seems to go right. One step forward, two steps back.....
My little girls are sad right now because of a decision I had to make. How do I make it right? Do I sit and wait for a miracle to happen? I don't know...........

Shallow

It's amazing to me how some people are, how they don't realize their own words cut a person's being and soul in half....

Yesterday I got a wonderful candle and ribbon from a dear friend. It was in memory of my son, who passed away 6 years ago. I love these gifts and will cherish them always. I lit my candle and looked at my son's scrapbook, memorializing him and feeling good about being able to "remember" him. For once, I felt a little peace.

Then it happens.... I ran into into an acquaintance and I share with her that it was Infant Loss Awareness day. Her remarks were so shallow and mean, I almost started to cry. She states how there is a "day for everything isn't there?" "Why would they make such a day, it just tears the wound open again!" She then goes on about some very trivial issues, nothing life altering. How can you compare not being able to send your kid somewhere vs the loss of a child?????? Shallow...

Now this is clearly a mom who has healthy kids and has never experienced such a loss. Her words angered me. Does she not know we don't need a day to "open up the wounds"? The pain lingers, everyday, not knowing when it will surface. How can people be so ignorant? I really believe people should not say anything at all sometimes. Sometimes silence is golden.

Through all of my trials, I have at least become more sensitive to others. When I hear of little kids getting sick, or another mom experience a loss, my heart goes out to them. I try to double check my words and I try not to use cliche's. I try to empathize and listen, not find solutions for them.

I wish some people would just see that their words cut deeper than any knife. My dad always told me "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all!"

I always wished I could be one of "those" Moms. You know, the kind that drops her kids off at school, knowing they'll be there when you pick them up, alive and well. After years of being scared, not sending my girls to public school for fear of what might happen because of their diabetes, my fears came true.
Phone rings:
Me: Hello?
Nurse: Hi, I made a big, big mistake
(My stomach hurls to my throat}
Nurse: I gave Cerriah 23 units of insulin by mistake instead of 2 (talk about an increase!!)
Me: Oh my Goodness, I'll be there in 2 minutes to pick her up and take her to the ER!Silence........... What am I thinking! It'll take 20 to get her to a hospital and it'll be too late by then, insulin starts acting in 15. Side affect of too much insulin?? Death...
Me: No, please call and ambulance I'll be there in 2.
When we get to the ER, I am greeted by paramedics and an incompetent Doctor, who doesn't know the first thing about Diabetes, not even what an insulin pump is....Cerriah made it, she's a strong girl. After being pumped with glucose and tons of sugary foods, she walked out of that hospital.
But I ask, when is too much, too much? She has cheated death many times, but this hit home... When can she/I stop worrying? When can I become one of "those" moms???? As I sit and think, there is only one answer........when she is cured of this awful disease that rips not only her mind and body, but mine as well.It's perfect timing that we are doing "Walk for a Cure". Now when I walk, I will have this fresh in my mind.
Won't you consider sponsoring her? Even one dollar will mean the world to her......... and to me.http://walk.jdrf.org/
Her name: Cerriah
Team Name: Dreams Come True